When I first boot up Stardew Valley and begin to create my new farm, I am immediately struck by the depth of customization the game offers me to begin the game. I think back to the plethora of avatar creation screens I have encountered before, and find myself reminiscing on all the times I created a new save file of Pokemon: Fire Red as an unassuming middle schooler. Back then, I would never ponder the process too closely, opting not to prioritize character customization in favor of immediate gameplay. I had to play as a boy. My name? Of course, it was Eli. My in-game Pokemon nemesis? Let’s name them Zack, or Chris, or whatever popped up in my mind at the time. The introductory process was little more than a tedious pre-gameplay stage that would determine some names and not much else.
In the present, I eye the Stardew Valley creation screen with a look of utter bewilderment. A randomly generated avatar stares right back at me, imploring me to make a move. Its beady brown eyes seem to be growing impatient with me. Still, I remain locked in place for a minute or two, considering my options, before finally setting my fingers to the keyboard.
Name: elijah
I had decided on Elijah, my name assigned at birth. Though all of my friends and family were used to calling me Eli (except my mother when she got really angry), I had recently grown detached from the name. Why had I decided to identify with a nickname over my birth name? I think back to elementary school, when I first made the switch. At the time, I had felt that “Eli” was a name that better conformed into American society. It was more common, and for my classmates, easier to spell. That simple reasoning led me to go by “Eli” for the next ten years of my life, but it wasn’t because I liked the name more. I just thought others would.
I fill out the other boxes and find that the next prompt is more of a challenge. For a moment, I sit staring at the two pixelated yellow and green icons, utterly perplexed. Is that really it, I think?
Of course, there are only two options. I find myself thoroughly disappointed with the uncompromising rigidity of the gender binary in the character creation screen. Yet, I still have to pick an option to begin the game. Out of a combination of spite and longing, I click on the green icon.
My avatar ends up looking very little like me. She has ruffled hair parted down the middle, bright turquoise earrings, and skin color a bit lighter than I intended. Yet, I’m still content with the result. Each cosmetic decision is one that I, and I alone, have decided upon.
Ready to move on, I complete character customization and enter the idyllic world of Stardew Valley. At once, I feel a bit giddy; I delight in seeing my character sprite run around and chop wood, or break stone, or walk to the town square. As the controller of her actions, I find that I can’t help but want what’s best for her. I want to see her succeed in her goal to break out of the corporate life and start the humble farm that she’s dreamed about. In my character, I envision a strong and independent woman of color that breaks free of the white and male-dominated industry she inhabits, going beyond what anyone in Pelican Town could ever expect of her.
Yet, in my actual gameplay I feel that I am letting her down. Reluctant to rely on guides or wikis to metagame, I struggle to make money efficiently or finish objectives on time. Often I have no sense of direction and end up wandering for in-game hours, looking for something to accomplish. I feel like I am not completing the game the way other more objective-oriented players would expect it to be done.
Over time, I am surprised to find that I enjoy the interactions with the other characters more than anything else the game has to offer. I enjoy listening to Emily describe her passion for fashion, or giving gifts to Linus when he’s feeling down. I begin to favor these moments more and more throughout each day, until they become the true goal for each day: with each new line of dialogue I unlock, I feel closer to the characters and the relationships that I’ve developed. Slowly, I grow accustomed to catching up with all of the town members at the saloon every night, after I’ve completed my tasks for the day. Though it may take longer to grow my business and develop my skills, I manage to find a playstyle that works best for me.
Stardew Valley allows me to be someone I’m not. Yet, it also allows me to be more true to myself than I’ve ever been. Through my virtual character, all of my struggles to establish an identity for myself fall away, and I am free to play the way I want to without a fear of judgment or a desire for social acceptance. In playing Stardew Valley, I am able to envision a world where I have total control over who I want to be. It’s a very liberating feeling.
